Slowly falling back into the same cycle of destructive thoughts only really gets better when I'm bouncing them off of people who are like, "Really? That's going through your head all day?" I've become desensitized to it. Knowing who those people are has been somewhat of a weird turn of events this past week.
I didn't really know what I was saying when I raised my hand in the No' Pains meeting. When someone mentioned that we didn't have any team bonding anymore, i realized that my emotions about the whole scenario were sort of drastic. "I'm not always used to hanging around girls. Sometimes, since I don't really feel close to anymore, I just come to practice and compare myself to everyone. That means that sometimes at practice, the thought running through my head is 'I hate myself and I hate everyone here just a little bit.'" It wasn't eloquent by any means, but i meant it. Even if I absolutely look up to all the girls I play with.
And then I took a long hard look at the way I spend my time. Run to work, run home to cram some sort of drawing or nap in before derby. Netflix is my cure all for relaxation until I crash.
I think in my attempts to be well rounded, I continue to remove social connections out of my life. I've started to label taking time out of my life to meet and talk with people as a 'burden' on my schedule.
So, my new goal is to incorporate taking care of my mental health vigilantly over the next few months. Perhaps I'll be able to salvage some of the shreds of sanity I still have and stop thinking like an ass-backwards psychopath.